I've been dreading this trip to Cancun. I'm just not into it, and not in a good head space for this. I'll just pretend I'm ok for 4-5 days until I'm home. I'll be as scarce as is reasonable.
Today made it even harder.
I haven't mentioned my father much on this blog. Maybe I'm suppressing feelings, I'm not sure.
The truth is, mentally, emotionally, he seems to be gone. He's my dad. I love him. But he's not there in a way I can experience him anymore.
It's so terribly sad.
And today, I was over to watch the Bruins game with Al and Dad, and I could barely get a smile out of dad.
I helped him eat his lunch, and helped him take drinks, but he's really not very much aware of who is around or what is happening.
I did crack a joke about a "weird guy" and got a laugh and a "oh Dan, you're crazy.".
That was the highlight. That's really all I could get, but it's something.
Soon, it won't be much of anything.
All I really have is the memories of him now, and it's oh so sad.
Then, my youngest lied to me. Again.
I've been very accepting of boyfriends, and letting her hang out with them. As long as I know where she is, who is there, and that there are parents who care around.
Then today. I was told she'd be going to eat with him "around the Pierpont area". Only to find, through Find My, that she was at John's house.
She said his mom and sister were there. Jen texted his mom. His mom called Jen, and said that no, she and the sister were not there, and that she was sorry and she'd talk to John about what happened.
When the little one got home, I asked why she lied.
She laid into me, in an attempt to turn it around on me by saying I'm too strict, and judgy. The truth? I've never said "no" to her hanging out with a boyfriend. In fact, I was OK with her hanging out with John today. At a restaurant. At the beach. Whatever. She had no problem telling me, because I don't judge. She knows I'm not a fan of my girls dating, but it's also a part of life and I realize that.
Her and I have talked at length about this.
Yet, she tried to throw me under the bus in order to deflect from her big lie.
I have no idea what went on at the house with an 18 year old boy and a 16 year old girl. And I don't want to know. Maybe I'll never know and that would probably be for the best.
Then, in an attempt to collect myself and my sanity, I go over to moms house, and hear her weeping in the dark, in the back, alone.
It's been 14 years, to the day, since my brother passed. And she misses him.
So, there was that. A heavy weight still there.
I know this day shall pass, as well as this trip to Cancun that I'm absolutely dreading, for many reasons. I'm not in the mood. It's not what I need right now.
I'm very upset and I just don't really know what I need.